This morning I was listening my Ipod while driving to work and I heard that song, it looks very close to my current feelings, thus I am just quoting the lyrics:
I saw you dancing out the ocean
Running fast along the sand
A spirit born of earth and water
Fire flying from your hands
In the instant that you love someone
In the second that the hammer hits
Reality runs up your spine
And the pieces finally fit
And all I ever needed was the one
Like freedom fields where wild horses run
When stars collide like you and I
No shadows block the sun
You’re all I’ve ever needed
Baby you’re the one
There are caravans we follow
Drunken nights in dark hotels
When chances breathe between the silence
Where sex and love no longer gel
For each man in his time is Cain
Until he walks along the beach
And sees his future in the water
A long lost heart within his reach
It’s already very late in the night, in the dark, when I am writing this draft. We discussed this evening, Vanessa and me, about many things, my feelings, about what she is thinking and I have to say that I am expecting to much from her. She is in a difficult situation right now and I am asking a large piece of the cake. The decision isn’t said but I got it loud and clear, she isn’t ready to give what I look for, not because she doesn’t want to but only because she cannot given the current situation.
Some people say that – life is a circle – and you have to expect the same than what you give to others. Here it is. Few years back I disregarded her, I was lying to myself and today I am paying the bill for it. I am falling on my knees at the worst moment and for the only person that I’ve badly treated once. In my deep inside I am quite happy because my tears gave her the head-up of what I was really feeling inside, and during her life she will remember that a particular day, a man, not a teenager, cried while saying that he loved her. That was the most beautiful present I could give, I have ever gave, I have been myself from the beginning till the end and from the bottom of my heart and I am proud of it.
I will have to stand-up again, as Dug says, “running away is fighting again” and this time I won’t run, I faced myself, assumed it and said it for the first time . It’s a big step done. The fire will have to be turned-off and I am not expecting this to be easy. I never felt something that strong maybe because I never loved someone together with being really myself. This fire is burning more and more everyday even if I know that she will not be here to use it, I just can’t help it.
I will have to face, understand that I lost a battle, its probably the most difficult lost that I have ever been through and I will also have to take care of her, her who helped revealed myself for the first time, a treasure that I am not ready to forget or give up.
Tomorrow I will have to work, I won’t hide, if I need to cry I will, if I down my knee on the ground I will let it go down but only one of them, not both. The path to stand-up again will be long for sure but it’s right in front of me and I will have to use it, like a first time, like a first love for a recently revealed Nicolas.
Je t’aime Vanessa from the bottom of my heart, from everything that I am, from everything that I could give. keep this inside your head in a small piece of memory, and never forget it…A strange mixed of Irish French man loved you more than love itself.
Deep inside,
For my relatives, it’s well known that it’s been some years since I felt my last positive hearth-beat for someone, this small piece of internal fire with a someone-else picture-on-it, which can change a normal man into some kinds of invincible Mitch Buchanan (sorry for the likening), but as English people say, and also Justin Timberlake: “What goes around comes around”.
Given my weak attitude when having feelings and given that this attitude resulted in pain few years back, I would have been surprised to – fall – into that kind of trap for someone else again, and specially someone very new, very unexpected, in this “new life”. This said, nobodies knows what can arrive around the corner, let me give you some heads-up of the last few weeks.
Memoserv still alive, (i.e memoserv, IRC private offline message)
A few weeks back, my former flatmate received a memoserv form an IRC girl that I use to know, her nickname is Vanouch and her name Vanessa, asking for some news about me, using a kind of annoyed sentencing.
I am saying an IRC girl cause that’s the way we meet each other in the past, but the truth is that we very well knew each other in a private way if you read my words..
This “memoserv” was really unexpected given the past history that we had Vanessa and me. At the time, we were close, even if I had an official girlfriend, I can easily say that there were some “loss of control”. Truth is that I was very interested by this girl, but she was in a difficult situation and I was running away from my deep inside feelings. My decision came-in “do nothing Nicolas”…otherwise you gonna have to assume it.
Touch base,
Fortunately for me the last few years changed me, I can even say that the former Nicolas is dead and a brand new one is born. I decided to touch base just to “take the temperature”. Something I forgot to mention is that at the time when we lost contact, she was deeply in love of a man called Yann, a new beginning for her who never really tasted love before.
We started discussing over phone text and phone calls, until the clash. She told me something that the new Nicolas wasn’t really ready to accept and I said it loud and clear. We had a clash cause I wasn’t respecting her decision, no I wasn’t, no I am not ready to accept that someone wants to give-up.
Text after text we decided to see each other again, just to “see”, I was going to Paris few days after, I thought it would be easy but it wasn’t. When you live abroad, far from your friends, many of them are contacting you on regular basis asking you for a slot when you’ll be back….choice wasn’t easy, going with the people who always followed me or cancel one to see her. I decided to see the other people, appointment cancelled.
Touch base back,
We continued to talk because obviously even if she didn’t accept my decision, she understood it (at least). Throughout our talking I had the feeling that she wasn’t very well, I took a decision; invite her 10 days in Dublin. She accepted straight away, rendez-vous planned, plane ticket bought, the new meet was on its way.
Meeting,
Plane was on time, a large smile was lightening her face, and nothing else would describe better. This day I didn’t see my former friend, the former girl that I use to go out with, I’ve seen a woman, a lady. An angel with bones and blood. We spent ten days, visiting, going out, playing video games, having nice evenings and drinking some white French wine.
I can’t really summarize all we have done but from my point of view it was only 10 days of pure happiness, unforgettable, something written inside me together with all the attention that she gave.
Going back,
Following those holidays, I couldn’t avoid myself to think about that, I kept thinking everyday that I was missing this “time” when she was over here, I had to do something and potentially confess the deep hit that I felt inside when I meet her again. I decided to go back in Paris and fortunately this arrived exactly when I was off-sick. (it didn’t cost my any days off), and I spent three days in her flat.
I could explain what happened there, what we have done but I will just say that at some points, I watched her, her smile, her eyes, her mouth, I was about to say something like :” you are an angel” but I just cried, love tears in front of her…
