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My friend Cedric who use to work for France Telecom just arrived in Dublin (last Monday) he got hired by IBM as a contract renewal seller. It’s a kind of basic seller job but it’s only a first step for him. His target his to gain a proper English and maybe then access more important and well-payed jobs. I am very happy of that cause Cedric means a lot to me, when I had very bad time in the past he was there with few others, this is the time where the famous sentence “Always there” was kicked-in for the first time. 

We were in a nice restaurant yesterday, Indian one in Dun Laghaire, was very great and not expensive (great idea from Flo). It was funny to see the first English sentences kicked-out from his mouth. Who could had think 6 years ago that him and me will meet again in Dublin because we would live there…… Life is just amazing sometimes. Anyway, it’s good to know that Cedric is around, he is someone trustful and in those days it’s very important as I have much to confess and sooner or later I will need an extra shoulder to carry-on.

Good luck Cedric, Always there, you can count on me for anything.

Nicolas

I will be in Paris for few days next week, from Thursday to Tuesday morning. I don’t know what I’ll do yet. Got few plans but I don’t know if this will happen. Last time I was there I felt bad coming back to Dublin, not sure why, I guess I begin to miss the “city” itself. Some people say that you “always come back to Paris somehow”. Maybe it’s true? After 4 Years over here, I feel that my time’s almost come to go back to my origins. But to do what? The same job? Another one? no ideas yet to be honest. 

The Good point is that IBM, HP, and Total Fina Elf gave me a knowledge and a very valuable experience which can put myself in a good place on the French job market. The Bad point (there’s always one) is that I wasn’t good for studies, I don’t have much diplomas. French companies are very addict to diplomas, they want people with 2nd or 3rd degrees at least. They don’t really care about experience (which obviously is a mistake). I need to study this and drive conclusion about what are my chances to get something good in Paris…

Except that nothing really knew, my heart still beating on daily basis for the same one, not sure how long it gonna last like this, but I cannot handle much more. I hope that this few days in Paris will help me opening my eyes. My mother’s always been good advisor, she wants me to drive my personal life with as much force as I drive my professional life…. easy to say, I will follow her advises I think. The person concerned knows exactly what I think she is very aware, nothing else has to be done, only time will make his job. Beside that I will live my life, nobody has anything to say about that, this is my absolute right and go fuck the rest.

Happy week all,

Nicolas

This is the best translation that I’ve found last night for the French word “voue a l’echec”. Those words came in my last conversation with Vanessa and stayed in my mind every single minute of the past night. How did I manage to get that far? I did some mistakes for sure, I thought that being honest about my feelings and what I feel for her will make the job, I was wrong obviously. 

What do we do now, should I keep firing my rounds given that the opposite side thinks that its meant to fail? I am going back in Paris for her on the 21st of August but given the situation and our last conversation I am not even sure that I will see her, this would kill me for good. There’s nothing left I can do for now except give her time, as we could say in French “Dices are thrown”. 

I love her for sure, more than anything but I am dealing those new feelings like a heavy-handed man, no style, no charisma, no strength therefore If I would deserve to loose. As I said I haven’t slept last night but it teach me something, it teach me that I was love-blind. She did many efforts already, many things for me just to give me a chance and I wasn’t seeing that this way. Now I know but is it not too late.

Nicolas.

Today’s been a bit difficult dealing my my own mind and feelings but good things happen time to time. 

Here is the song of the day:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1HD3Sqlcm3o

The lyrics are very impressive (those of you who know Aerosmith will agree that their lyrics are quite good).

- Cyrin - 

There was a time when I was so broken hearted, Love wasn’t much of a friend of mine.

The tables have turned, yeah, cause me and them ways have parted, that kind of love was the killin’ kind

Now Listen,

All I want is someone I can’t resist, I know all I need to know by the way that I got kissed.

-

Nicolas

Once again, I can’t sleep… therefore I watching some videos on Youtube. If you want to try some of my favorites I would suggest, Smashing Pumpkins – Bullet with Butterfly wings or Placebo – The Bitter End. What am I thinking that cause me not to sleep? Nothing really, or yes something, but not something I gonna talk about any longer. Life goes on, people move on even if I can’t get use to but that’s the way it works.

Tomorrow and the next 5 days I will be in training on an IBM Software product. This training is the last one of a long list which should entitle me for the full certification program. Not sure how valuable that is on the “Job-market” but I now that not many people got that….lets hope it gonna help my future.

I will take some pills and try to sleep, wish me good luck

Nic.

I will be alone in my new flat till the 10 of August as Denis my flatmate  is currently in France. Good opportunity to have some great time, stay alone with my thoughts. I will give myself 7 days to find a way or workaround to go over the current situation and get back to my normal behaviour.

Will it be enough? Will I loose something? Nobody knows. The only thing I can rely on are my insights and more I am spending time on this and more the situation gets clear. No need to explain. Would it be possible to loose the first wife I loved without even having the opportunity to love her? It seems so. 

Yesterday my cousin told me, “take what you can take, and love her during those moments” Will I have other moments? Good question. I have to say that my cousin is right, I have to take what I can and time will make the rest of the job. As she said, given my past story and the troubles I have been through I don’t really deserve to go through this once again. Will I be able to let it go? Just like that, like a battle that I decide to loose before starting it? 

That was my last insight today. We all have “moral values” this kind of sentences that you keep repeating in your head, things that make you who you are. Two of my favorites are “Never give-up” and “You can down one knee but not both”. Given those sentences I am not sure that I will just let it go but I have to think about what would be best for me? Feeling love without feedback or feeling pain, there’s only one step between both. 

I will stop thinking about this from now and just appreciate what happen next. Given our last discussion I am not entirely optimistic but times helps and I have nothing to blame myself about.

Good night you, sweetheart.

Nicolas

Pourquoi ne pas écrire un post en Français? Bonne question, probablement car mon Français “écrit” est loin d’être ce qu’il fut. (!) Mais quel bonheur pour ces personnes amoureuses de la langue Française et des jolis mots qu’elle possède, de lire ces quelques lignes.

Mais que dire, à part résumer les 3 derniers mois de ma vie, qui m’ont permis de découvrir deux choses très importantes. Mais avant de les détaillées je voudrais clarifier certaines choses.

La première est que je suis officiellement ne le 21 Avril 1980 et pendant les 25 premières années de ma vie, je n’est pas vraiment été celui que je désirais être, je jouais une sorte de “rôle” a la fois pour me protéger de ce qui pouvais faire mal, et aussi pour paraitre “grand” face a des gens a cote de qui je faisais pale figure. 

Beaucoup de personnes vivent de cette manière toute leur vie, quand bien même ils savent dans leur fort-intérieur qu’ils ne ressemblent pas vraiment à l’image qu’ils projettent tandis que d’autres, plus rares, décident de changer, pour devenir juste quelqu’un conforme a ce fort-intérieur. Ce chemin est long, difficile, et oblige a certains sacrifices comme par exemple celui de l’ego. Admettre ce que l’on était, les erreurs qu’on a commises et essaye de les corrigées. J’ai parcouru ce chemin pendant trois longues années, années pendant lesquelles j’ai pas mal souffert et avoue à mes proches les erreurs que j’avais faites.

Ce qui nous amène a la première chose que je voulais clarifier est que je suis ne le 21 Avril 1980 mais Nicolas a vraiment vu le jour le 15 Juillet 2005.

La deuxième chose est ce que j’ai découvert il y a quelques mois, ce sont “les sentiments”. Bien évidemment j’ai eu des relations, pas mal même, mais la vérité c’est que pour toutes les relations antérieures a 2005 je n’étais pas moi, je n’agissais pas comme Nicolas mais plutôt celui a qui je voulais ressembler, ce qui amène à conclure que je n’ai vécu aucune de ces relations comme un homme. Plutôt comme un enfant avec un sourire de façade mais qui hurlait a l’intérieur depuis de nombreuses années. J’ai découvert la puissance des sentiments avec cette magnifique jeune femme répondant au prénom de Vanessa. Vanessa vous dites? Oui la même que la Vanessa que je connais depuis de nombreuses années, mais elle, me connaissait-elle vraiment?

Je ne vais pas revenir sur le fait que je l’ai négligée pendant longtemps, je le sais, je l’accepte et tôt ou tard il est même possible qu’elle me le fasse payer (par exemple en me faisant souffrir pendant 4 heures). 

J’ai découvert qu’il est possible de bruler littéralement pour quelqu’un, ne rien faire de la journée sans apercevoir son visage a chaque seconde, Ne penser qu’au jour ou ses lèvres se reposeront sur les miennes. 

Avoir le désir de futur, le désir d’être enfin heureux dans ma nouvelle vie avec la première femme au monde a qui j’ai dis “je t’aime” en toute honnêteté, avec toute ma profondeur (les larmes ayant précédé les mots). 

Je ne veux pas m’étendre sur ce que je ressens a l’intérieur, d’une part car elle le sait et d’autre part je pense que cette force est si puissante car nous sommes les deux seuls à la connaitre. 

Voila donc les deux choses que j’ai apprises ces 4 derniers mois. La première est “les sentiments” si fort, si purs, si brulant que je n’avais jamais ressentis auparavant. La deuxième est qu’il est possible d’aimer plus que sa propre vie. D’aimer sans la moindre limite, sans la moindre différence, sans frontières. Aimer juste d’amour…avec un grand V comme Vanessa.

Nicolas.