I already mention that earlier, but I still can’t understand why some people have a so strong part of their personality called “Ego” We all have this of course, this small part of defence attitude that comes-out when someone strikes one of our weak-point on purpose. However, and I as said previously having a strong, and therefore Idiot Ego, will result in breaking relationship, friendship relations. People who do have a very developed part of this personality are very easy to spot, you know many of them, they are those who can’t say “sorry” “I am wrong” “sorry for that” “sorry if I hurt you” because they will always find a reason for saying what they previously said. What a curious world, I don’t know if I am in the fringes of society, but when I am wrong, I am saying it and when I involuntarily hurt someone I usually say that I am sorry. I start to believe that most of the people around me takes this as a weak-point “Oh look at that he is sorry, he said he was wrong” probably a point of weakness isn’t it? From my point of view it’s just a proof of honesty and freedom.
I am just getting tired of those people that never hesitate to strike one of your painful point for any meaningless reason, I can’t explain it I just find it very pathetic. I had another example of this lately and once again, it is very easy to push people to show their true nature, usually the result is highly deceiving. Some will say that I just lost another battle because I refused to talk in this last situation but I did not. The only truth here is that I’ve seen the real bottom of some people and I found it sad, pathetic crap, meaningless. This means only one thing: When those people will reach Obstacle in their life with other people around, instead of showing cold blood and *thinking* they will choose the most simple solution, their solution, the one where they will only fight and act for themselves even if those around can suffer from it.
I am what I am, I built myself differently over the last 3 years, it’s true that sometimes I feel sad inside cause obviously I am alone and I can’t share for the moment everything that I could sahre. But i won’t change in order to look like those pathetic people. When I feel something I am saying it whether we are talking about deep feelings, disagreements, pain, love, whatever it is. I will not change this even this cost me in future.
All is said, another chapter is close, I will not look them the same. Those people who can fuck-off everyone reaching the first difficult situation and those people who never hesitate striking where it’s very hurtful instead of *talking*.
Chapter is closed-off, I have regrets, I showed those people what I was inside and now they are using it to strike..poor them. Life goes on, they should remember that you should never do against someone, something you would not accept against yourself. My deep regret is that I gave them the *present* of showing them what I was built off, what I was inside for just nothing. Good point is I won’t hold on that for ever. Actually It will me easier that I firstly thought to go over that and forget them for good.
Me, Myself, and I, Nicolas
I was outside most of the days, I lead a crusade to find a scale and bin for my bedroom, I’ve bee to Argos, jez even on Sunday you can’t walk in there without hurting someone, was so busy, I can’t believe it.
Except that I talked to my friend Ana yesterday who got back form Brazil few days ago, I’ve been thinking about this situation coz when I feel sad or lonely and I want to see my relatives it would take at most 3 hours for me to get there. It would be much more difficult when you family is very far, like 12 hours in place.
She is very courageous to handle it alone in here and I respect that. Regarding my current feeling, I just feel nothing special. Life goes on, I still like my work (fortunately) and I got a week off in October, I dunno yet what I’ll do.
Bad news is that I have to repair my car, the timing belt and the wheel bearings, (900 bocks)….so shite, I was thinking about going in Croatia, Crete, but I think that it’s gone now..
Have a good week people.
Back in time, in June precisely I was at the Dublin Airport to drive back a friend, no need to precise the name. This particular day was likely one of the most difficult since a long time. Seeing this little girl, fragile, defenseless going back alone without knowing that I had inside ..was the most difficult thing since a long time. I had to appear as a normal guy driving back a friend, the truth is that every single step toward the airport killed me a bit more..
I’ve been thinking lately to “translate” this with words. what I was feeling living this day from my eyes. An answer got back to me yesterday, a song from Jean Jacques Goldman..the words are matching exactly my feeling at the time, in this cold airport, seeing her walking forward to the security and living me for good after 10 days of paradise.
- – - -
Puisque l’ombre gagne, puisque il n’est pas de montagne,
Au-delà des vents, plus hautes que les marches de l’oubli,
Puisqu’il faut apprendre, à défaut de le comprendre,
A rêver mes désirs et vivre des “ainsi-soit-il”
Et puisque tu penses, comme une intime évidence que parfois même tout donner n’est pas forcement suffire
Puisque c’est ailleurs qu’ira mieux battre ton cœur, et puisque je t’aime trop pour te retenir,
Puisque tu pars,
Que les vents te mènent ou d’autres âmes plus belles sauront t’aimer mieux que moi puisque je ne peux t’aimer plus
Que la vie t’apprennes, mais que tu restes la même, si tu te trahissais je t’aurais tout à fait perdue
Garde cette chance, que je te donne en silence, cette force de penser que le plus beau reste a venir,
Et loin de nos villes, comme Octobre l’est d’Avril, sache qu’ici reste de toi, comme une empreinte indélébile
Sans drame, Cent larmes, pauvres et dérisoires armes, parce qu’il est des douleurs qui ne pleurent qu’a l’intérieur.
Puisque ta maison, aujourd’hui c’est l’horizon, dans ton exil essais d’apprendre à revenir, mais pas trop tard.
Dans ton histoire, garde en mémoire, mon au revoir, puisque tu pars.
- – - -
This one is for you V.
Nic
