Today’s been a bit difficult dealing my my own mind and feelings but good things happen time to time.
Here is the song of the day:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1HD3Sqlcm3o
The lyrics are very impressive (those of you who know Aerosmith will agree that their lyrics are quite good).
- Cyrin -
There was a time when I was so broken hearted, Love wasn’t much of a friend of mine.
The tables have turned, yeah, cause me and them ways have parted, that kind of love was the killin’ kind
Now Listen,
All I want is someone I can’t resist, I know all I need to know by the way that I got kissed.
-
Nicolas
Once again, I can’t sleep… therefore I watching some videos on Youtube. If you want to try some of my favorites I would suggest, Smashing Pumpkins – Bullet with Butterfly wings or Placebo – The Bitter End. What am I thinking that cause me not to sleep? Nothing really, or yes something, but not something I gonna talk about any longer. Life goes on, people move on even if I can’t get use to but that’s the way it works.
Tomorrow and the next 5 days I will be in training on an IBM Software product. This training is the last one of a long list which should entitle me for the full certification program. Not sure how valuable that is on the “Job-market” but I now that not many people got that….lets hope it gonna help my future.
I will take some pills and try to sleep, wish me good luck
Nic.
I will be alone in my new flat till the 10 of August as Denis my flatmate is currently in France. Good opportunity to have some great time, stay alone with my thoughts. I will give myself 7 days to find a way or workaround to go over the current situation and get back to my normal behaviour.
Will it be enough? Will I loose something? Nobody knows. The only thing I can rely on are my insights and more I am spending time on this and more the situation gets clear. No need to explain. Would it be possible to loose the first wife I loved without even having the opportunity to love her? It seems so.
Yesterday my cousin told me, “take what you can take, and love her during those moments” Will I have other moments? Good question. I have to say that my cousin is right, I have to take what I can and time will make the rest of the job. As she said, given my past story and the troubles I have been through I don’t really deserve to go through this once again. Will I be able to let it go? Just like that, like a battle that I decide to loose before starting it?
That was my last insight today. We all have “moral values” this kind of sentences that you keep repeating in your head, things that make you who you are. Two of my favorites are “Never give-up” and “You can down one knee but not both”. Given those sentences I am not sure that I will just let it go but I have to think about what would be best for me? Feeling love without feedback or feeling pain, there’s only one step between both.
I will stop thinking about this from now and just appreciate what happen next. Given our last discussion I am not entirely optimistic but times helps and I have nothing to blame myself about.
Good night you, sweetheart.
Nicolas
Pourquoi ne pas écrire un post en Français? Bonne question, probablement car mon Français “écrit” est loin d’être ce qu’il fut. (!) Mais quel bonheur pour ces personnes amoureuses de la langue Française et des jolis mots qu’elle possède, de lire ces quelques lignes.
Mais que dire, à part résumer les 3 derniers mois de ma vie, qui m’ont permis de découvrir deux choses très importantes. Mais avant de les détaillées je voudrais clarifier certaines choses.
La première est que je suis officiellement ne le 21 Avril 1980 et pendant les 25 premières années de ma vie, je n’est pas vraiment été celui que je désirais être, je jouais une sorte de “rôle” a la fois pour me protéger de ce qui pouvais faire mal, et aussi pour paraitre “grand” face a des gens a cote de qui je faisais pale figure.
Beaucoup de personnes vivent de cette manière toute leur vie, quand bien même ils savent dans leur fort-intérieur qu’ils ne ressemblent pas vraiment à l’image qu’ils projettent tandis que d’autres, plus rares, décident de changer, pour devenir juste quelqu’un conforme a ce fort-intérieur. Ce chemin est long, difficile, et oblige a certains sacrifices comme par exemple celui de l’ego. Admettre ce que l’on était, les erreurs qu’on a commises et essaye de les corrigées. J’ai parcouru ce chemin pendant trois longues années, années pendant lesquelles j’ai pas mal souffert et avoue à mes proches les erreurs que j’avais faites.
Ce qui nous amène a la première chose que je voulais clarifier est que je suis ne le 21 Avril 1980 mais Nicolas a vraiment vu le jour le 15 Juillet 2005.
La deuxième chose est ce que j’ai découvert il y a quelques mois, ce sont “les sentiments”. Bien évidemment j’ai eu des relations, pas mal même, mais la vérité c’est que pour toutes les relations antérieures a 2005 je n’étais pas moi, je n’agissais pas comme Nicolas mais plutôt celui a qui je voulais ressembler, ce qui amène à conclure que je n’ai vécu aucune de ces relations comme un homme. Plutôt comme un enfant avec un sourire de façade mais qui hurlait a l’intérieur depuis de nombreuses années. J’ai découvert la puissance des sentiments avec cette magnifique jeune femme répondant au prénom de Vanessa. Vanessa vous dites? Oui la même que la Vanessa que je connais depuis de nombreuses années, mais elle, me connaissait-elle vraiment?
Je ne vais pas revenir sur le fait que je l’ai négligée pendant longtemps, je le sais, je l’accepte et tôt ou tard il est même possible qu’elle me le fasse payer (par exemple en me faisant souffrir pendant 4 heures).
J’ai découvert qu’il est possible de bruler littéralement pour quelqu’un, ne rien faire de la journée sans apercevoir son visage a chaque seconde, Ne penser qu’au jour ou ses lèvres se reposeront sur les miennes.
Avoir le désir de futur, le désir d’être enfin heureux dans ma nouvelle vie avec la première femme au monde a qui j’ai dis “je t’aime” en toute honnêteté, avec toute ma profondeur (les larmes ayant précédé les mots).
Je ne veux pas m’étendre sur ce que je ressens a l’intérieur, d’une part car elle le sait et d’autre part je pense que cette force est si puissante car nous sommes les deux seuls à la connaitre.
Voila donc les deux choses que j’ai apprises ces 4 derniers mois. La première est “les sentiments” si fort, si purs, si brulant que je n’avais jamais ressentis auparavant. La deuxième est qu’il est possible d’aimer plus que sa propre vie. D’aimer sans la moindre limite, sans la moindre différence, sans frontières. Aimer juste d’amour…avec un grand V comme Vanessa.
Nicolas.
I can’t remember when was the last time that I slept so badly, likely years ago without quoting the particular day. Question is, will I be able to handle it any longer or am I risking something for my own well-being? Answer is: I don’t know, for sure I feel alive as I never been , but I also feel pain as never before. The problem with people like me who are always thinking is, that it’s pretty easy to imagine scenarios, images, stories even if they don’t exist.
I can’t really live with the image that I see every night, it’s destroying me more than healing. I feel love as much as love is possible to be felt, but on the other hand it’s destroying the non-give-up guy that I am. Not sure at this stage what I should do but I think I’ll let it go, I will feel the worst ever for a while but at the end I know that would have been the right choice. Living everyday with all that inside, growing for someone, who doesn’t share the half is way more than what I can handle.
My mother often says that life is the best “healer”, maybe the situation will get stabilize in few weeks, months, and finally something good will start. But for now it would be better to let it go, I still convinced that you cannot love someone without knowing it, without realizing. In the present situation I have no feedback, therefore even if I hate driving conclusion I have to face the fact. Fact that you cannot always win a battle, even if in my case that last years have always been a loose-loose situation, I just hope that next time will be more win-win.
Once again I will have to heal myself, drive me forward, build again. It’s scaring to realize that I know exactly how I can do that. Maybe only fate is involved here, it was my path, understand my mistakes, loose some battles to win the most important one.
I would like to quote some words coming from -November Rain- written by Axel Rose (Axl Rose) leader of Guns N’ Roses, for his girlfriend at the time who became his wife later on, Stephanie Seymour, it’s a story from love to live and death.
….
This is my message for you, you in my blood
….
When I look into your eyes, I can see a love restrained.
But darlin’ when I hold you, don’t you know I feel the same.
Cause nothin’ lasts forever, And we both know hearts can change.
And it’s hard to hold a candle in the cold November Rain.
-
We’ve been through this such a long long time, Just tryin to kill the pain.
But lovers always come and lovers always go, And no one’s really sure who’s lettin’ go today.
Walking away.
-
If we could take the time to lay it on the line, I could rest my head just knowin’ that you were mine, all mine.
So if you want to love me, then darlin’ don’t refrain, or i’ll just end-up walkin’ in the cold November Rain.
Do you need some time….on your own, Do you need some time….home alone.
Everybody need some time…on their own.
Don’t you know you need some time….all alone.
-
I know it’s hard to keep an open heart, when even friends seem out to harm you.
But if you could heal a broken heart, wouldn’t time be out to charm you.
Sometimes I need some time…on my own. Sometimes I need some time…all alone
Everybody needs some time …on their own, don’t you know you need some time…all alone
-
And when your fears subside, and shadows still remain.
I know that you can love me when there’s no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness, we still can find a way, cause nothin’ last forever, even cold November Rain.
….
This morning I was listening my Ipod while driving to work and I heard that song, it looks very close to my current feelings, thus I am just quoting the lyrics:
I saw you dancing out the ocean
Running fast along the sand
A spirit born of earth and water
Fire flying from your hands
In the instant that you love someone
In the second that the hammer hits
Reality runs up your spine
And the pieces finally fit
And all I ever needed was the one
Like freedom fields where wild horses run
When stars collide like you and I
No shadows block the sun
You’re all I’ve ever needed
Baby you’re the one
There are caravans we follow
Drunken nights in dark hotels
When chances breathe between the silence
Where sex and love no longer gel
For each man in his time is Cain
Until he walks along the beach
And sees his future in the water
A long lost heart within his reach
It’s already very late in the night, in the dark, when I am writing this draft. We discussed this evening, Vanessa and me, about many things, my feelings, about what she is thinking and I have to say that I am expecting to much from her. She is in a difficult situation right now and I am asking a large piece of the cake. The decision isn’t said but I got it loud and clear, she isn’t ready to give what I look for, not because she doesn’t want to but only because she cannot given the current situation.
Some people say that – life is a circle – and you have to expect the same than what you give to others. Here it is. Few years back I disregarded her, I was lying to myself and today I am paying the bill for it. I am falling on my knees at the worst moment and for the only person that I’ve badly treated once. In my deep inside I am quite happy because my tears gave her the head-up of what I was really feeling inside, and during her life she will remember that a particular day, a man, not a teenager, cried while saying that he loved her. That was the most beautiful present I could give, I have ever gave, I have been myself from the beginning till the end and from the bottom of my heart and I am proud of it.
I will have to stand-up again, as Dug says, “running away is fighting again” and this time I won’t run, I faced myself, assumed it and said it for the first time . It’s a big step done. The fire will have to be turned-off and I am not expecting this to be easy. I never felt something that strong maybe because I never loved someone together with being really myself. This fire is burning more and more everyday even if I know that she will not be here to use it, I just can’t help it.
I will have to face, understand that I lost a battle, its probably the most difficult lost that I have ever been through and I will also have to take care of her, her who helped revealed myself for the first time, a treasure that I am not ready to forget or give up.
Tomorrow I will have to work, I won’t hide, if I need to cry I will, if I down my knee on the ground I will let it go down but only one of them, not both. The path to stand-up again will be long for sure but it’s right in front of me and I will have to use it, like a first time, like a first love for a recently revealed Nicolas.
Je t’aime Vanessa from the bottom of my heart, from everything that I am, from everything that I could give. keep this inside your head in a small piece of memory, and never forget it…A strange mixed of Irish French man loved you more than love itself.
Deep inside,
For my relatives, it’s well known that it’s been some years since I felt my last positive hearth-beat for someone, this small piece of internal fire with a someone-else picture-on-it, which can change a normal man into some kinds of invincible Mitch Buchanan (sorry for the likening), but as English people say, and also Justin Timberlake: “What goes around comes around”.
Given my weak attitude when having feelings and given that this attitude resulted in pain few years back, I would have been surprised to – fall – into that kind of trap for someone else again, and specially someone very new, very unexpected, in this “new life”. This said, nobodies knows what can arrive around the corner, let me give you some heads-up of the last few weeks.
Memoserv still alive, (i.e memoserv, IRC private offline message)
A few weeks back, my former flatmate received a memoserv form an IRC girl that I use to know, her nickname is Vanouch and her name Vanessa, asking for some news about me, using a kind of annoyed sentencing.
I am saying an IRC girl cause that’s the way we meet each other in the past, but the truth is that we very well knew each other in a private way if you read my words..
This “memoserv” was really unexpected given the past history that we had Vanessa and me. At the time, we were close, even if I had an official girlfriend, I can easily say that there were some “loss of control”. Truth is that I was very interested by this girl, but she was in a difficult situation and I was running away from my deep inside feelings. My decision came-in “do nothing Nicolas”…otherwise you gonna have to assume it.
Touch base,
Fortunately for me the last few years changed me, I can even say that the former Nicolas is dead and a brand new one is born. I decided to touch base just to “take the temperature”. Something I forgot to mention is that at the time when we lost contact, she was deeply in love of a man called Yann, a new beginning for her who never really tasted love before.
We started discussing over phone text and phone calls, until the clash. She told me something that the new Nicolas wasn’t really ready to accept and I said it loud and clear. We had a clash cause I wasn’t respecting her decision, no I wasn’t, no I am not ready to accept that someone wants to give-up.
Text after text we decided to see each other again, just to “see”, I was going to Paris few days after, I thought it would be easy but it wasn’t. When you live abroad, far from your friends, many of them are contacting you on regular basis asking you for a slot when you’ll be back….choice wasn’t easy, going with the people who always followed me or cancel one to see her. I decided to see the other people, appointment cancelled.
Touch base back,
We continued to talk because obviously even if she didn’t accept my decision, she understood it (at least). Throughout our talking I had the feeling that she wasn’t very well, I took a decision; invite her 10 days in Dublin. She accepted straight away, rendez-vous planned, plane ticket bought, the new meet was on its way.
Meeting,
Plane was on time, a large smile was lightening her face, and nothing else would describe better. This day I didn’t see my former friend, the former girl that I use to go out with, I’ve seen a woman, a lady. An angel with bones and blood. We spent ten days, visiting, going out, playing video games, having nice evenings and drinking some white French wine.
I can’t really summarize all we have done but from my point of view it was only 10 days of pure happiness, unforgettable, something written inside me together with all the attention that she gave.
Going back,
Following those holidays, I couldn’t avoid myself to think about that, I kept thinking everyday that I was missing this “time” when she was over here, I had to do something and potentially confess the deep hit that I felt inside when I meet her again. I decided to go back in Paris and fortunately this arrived exactly when I was off-sick. (it didn’t cost my any days off), and I spent three days in her flat.
I could explain what happened there, what we have done but I will just say that at some points, I watched her, her smile, her eyes, her mouth, I was about to say something like :” you are an angel” but I just cried, love tears in front of her…
What’s new? my dear friend Karine just left Dublin where she spend few days in my company (Florent was in holidays), its been quite good except that her wallet was stollen shortly after her arrival. This has complicated a bit the trip. Anyway IBM goes fine at the moment, I am getting use to my job. Bad news is that my favourite fellow Alex is leaving Dublin for good and go to IBM Austin TX USA, Parshant has already left.
I still practicing sport which is good for my health, my mother is coming over tomorrow for 2 days, and last week I’ve seen Gautier’s son he is SO cute (Arthur). These are the recent news, I will update some pictures soon.
Nic
My friend Alexandra has finally came over for the week end, it was a great
night-club week end! We have been to the 92 twice. First because we like the music played there and its not that far from home and also because Florent’s friends are there.
We also talked about past things…and present, it was a bit stange but necessary I think.
I look forward to see her again here, anyway I will see her again in France between the
15 of December and the 8th of January.
Here is a picture of us
